Learning to let Jealousy Flow Through You
Jealousy can be one of the hardest emotions to deal with. We have all experienced it, and no one has a solution for the problem of its existence. If you ask ten people how they cope with jealousy, or if jealousy is healthy in a relationship, you will get ten different answers. Jealousy affects each of us to varying degrees, and the effect can sometimes be extreme. As a culture, one of the few times we are willing to overlook gross social or ethical transgressions is when the perpetrator acted in the throes of passionate jealousy. We may not excuse someone destroying their unfaithful lover’s car with a bat, but we empathise and perhaps go a little easier on them. For example, murder charges being reduced to manslaughter in ‘crimes of passion’. I think this is a mistake; within each of us is the ability to choose how we react to jealousy. A quote from The Ethical Slut rings true for me: “Most people take the destructive power of jealousy way too much for granted [and] give their jealousy far more power than it deserves.”
One thing I know for sure is that handling jealousy with tact and grace is extremely attractive. So, how do we go about controlling our reaction to jealousy? In my opinion, few are as adept at tackling this topic as Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, co-authors of The Ethical Slut. Early on, they challenge some myths;
“MYTH #5: JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME
Jealousy is, without a doubt, a very common experience, so much so that a person who doesn’t experience jealousy is looked at as a bit odd, or in denial. But often a situation that would cause intense jealousy for one person can be no big deal for another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone else’s Coke, others happily watch their beloved wave bye-bye for a month of amorous sporting with a friend at the far end of the country.
Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they have no choice but to succumb to it. People who believe this often believe that any form of non monogamy should be non-consensual and completely secret, in order to protect the “betrayed” partner from having to feel such an impossibly difficult emotion.
On the contrary, we have found that jealousy is an emotion like any other: it feels bad (sometimes very bad), but it is not intolerable. We have also found that many of the “oughta-be’s” that lead to jealousy can be unlearned and that unlearning them is often a useful process.(page numbers 17,18)
”
If we are willing to accept that we can work to control our reactions to jealousy, we must also accept that its power over us is not what we once thought it was. I refer to The Ethical Slut often when feelings of jealousy arise. Even now as I sit here writing, I can think of a dozen times I felt jealousy in the last month. Most recently, I was sitting in my living room with one of my partners. She was talking about how she planned to go visit a partner in a neighbouring city for the weekend. I felt a pang of jealousy. I wanted her to stay with me, but rather than saying that I slowed down and really examined why I felt this way. I pictured the two of them in bed together and her in the throes of an orgasm; it hurt a little, but I could also see the pleasure on her face. That led me to think about all the other things that I love about her: her wild smile and sparkling eyes, that ridiculous laugh when she can't control it. I pictured her walking down the street with this other person laughing and smiling. Suddenly, I realized I was happy, and not jealous. I realized that her sharing the things I love about her with others is something to be celebrated. I realized I want her to feel happy and loved as often as possible, whether it’s me or someone else creating those feelings. I just want her and everyone else in my life to be happy! After telling her about my train of thought we both smiled, hugged, and after about thirty minutes, she turned to me and told me she didn't want to leave; she wanted to spend the weekend at my place instead. While this was not at all my intention, it is an excellent example of how you can manage your reaction to jealousy. Coming to terms with jealousy is an intrinsically valuable process, furthermore you will be remembered not for eliminating the feeling of jealousy but rather being mindful of how you react to it.
I would strongly recommend the The Ethical Slut to anyone, not just those who are curious about an alternative lifestyle. Monogamy is not a cure for jealousy, as I am sure my monogamous readers can attest to. The authors provide useful exercises to help you work through your feelings: for example, writing a letter about your jealousy and reading it again the next day. You will realize that those feelings are not nearly as powerful after having slept on them.
Jealousy is a huge subject, and I will be touching on it again in the near future. In the meantime, share your personal tools and techniques for dealing with jealousy in the comments below.
